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I thought that after I told everything would be ok, I thought it wouldn’t hover over me anymore. I almost feel like it has all taken a turn for the worse. It’s not going away, I’m not better. Apparently to my family and my girlfriend I’m worse. I’ve turned into this person that they don’t know anymore. I felt as if I was fixing myself, I thought, I didn’t need any walking, breathing PHd to tell what was going on in my own head. I know what I’m thinking I know who I am…Or at least I thought I did. Apparently I don’t. Apparently I’ve turned into this bitter, jabbing, hateful, scared, person who is…stuck. I’m stuck here and that is the last thing that I wanted. To have it held over my head and not go away. I thought I could fix myself and I felt like I was doing it. I guess not. I was told that I put up this shield when it happened and this shield has shaped me into the “person” that I am today. I’ve been so guarded and so stuborn and so busy trying to be strong and be ”ok” that I haven’t noticed wat kind of person that I have become. I still don’t know. I’m so use to being like this that I don’t know what else to be like. What if the real me is lonely, scared and pathetic? All I want is to be me. It sucks. Because I don’t know who “me” is. She died when I was 8. I’m afraid. What if I’m better off being the way I am now and not the person that i was suppose to be? This is all very terrifying for me…
